Self Improvement
by Buttercup2
Summary: Helga tries to 'fix' herself so that Arnold will love her. But does she know when to stop? NEW: Chapter Three Up as of 05/20
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold doesn't belong to me, please don't sue. I write stores because I lurve it so much ^.^ 

** Self Improvement **

- 

Am I not pretty enough?  
Is my heart to broken?  
Do I cry too much?  
Am I too outspoken?  
Don't I make you laugh?  
Should I try it harder?  
Why do you see right through me?

- 

It was raining. Sheets of icy water fell to the ground, enveloping the city in a grey haze. Helga was drenched the insant she stepped out of the school, her dark eyes matching the colour of the clouds growing overhead. Pulling her thin jacket tightly around her, she started the walk home. 

Arnold was not there with his umbrella to rescue her. He never was, anymore. Not since kindergarten, when she'd met him. Everything she said and did pushed Arnold further away, and she was powerless to stop herself. He had his umbrella with him today, in fact, and as she watched, he moved beside a delicate black-haired girl, shielding her from the rain, and flashing her a warm smile. Helga just kept walking, rain hitting her face and mingling with the tears that ran down it. Was she even crying? Did she even have that much emotion in her? She never felt like it anymore. She felt so empty. Like she was drifting away from everything she knew, and she was too tired to scream for help anymore. She didn't even care anymore. 

Pushing open the door to her house, Helga went straight to her room, not caring to find out if anyone was home. 'Shower', she decided, 'A nice, hot, long shower will help'. Looking around her room, she grabbed a plush bathrobe (pink), a set of scented shower gels (she didn't trust Big Bob enough to leave them in the bathroom), and a white towel. Clutching the items, she made her way into the bathroom, and lay them on the counter. Slowly, she disrobed, folding articles of clothing as she put them away. Finally, she stood in front of the mirror, naked. Her first reaction was surprise, then disgust. Her reflection was a girl of medium height, with stringy blonde hair reaching halfway down her back. She had dark smoky eyes hidden beneath one thick black eyebrow. Her body was soft, and round - nothing like the thin, delicate girls Arnold was always with. Biting her lip, Helga stepped onto the scale and winced as the red line swung around, finally resting at 130 lbs. 

'No wonder he never looks at me. He probably can't stand to.' She thought miserably, stepping into the shower and turning the water on, hot. 

- 

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me  
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break  
I pray, I love, I've waited long enough  
I try as hard as I can

- 

Operation: New Helga, Helga wrote in clear black letters on the first page of a new pink notebook, several hours later. After a considerable amount of sulking, she realized she had to do something. She couldn't let this be her life, alone, ugly, pining after somebody too good for her. Her hands shaking slightly, she continued to write. 

Objective: Make Arnold love me, through whatever means necessary. 

She'd have to lose weight, of course. The eyebrows would have to go, and she'd have to do something with her hair. New clothes, new attitude, new everything. She wouldn't fail this time, couldn't let him down again. 

- 

Am I not pretty enough?  
Is my heart to broken?  
Do I cry too much?  
Am I too outspoken?  
Don't I make you laugh?  
Should I try it harder?  
Why do you see right through me?

- 

Sleeping was hard. Helga stayed up nearly the whole night, planning everything. What was she going to eat, what exercises would she do? She had money saved up, could she join a gym? How would she look with short hair? Did Arnold like tulips, or the colour green? When she finally lost conciousness, the sun was just starting to rise. Her dreams were haunted by fragmented images of hips and collarbones, and Arnold. 

Breakfast wasn't a problem, nobody noticed if she ate or not. Helga walked briskly to school, reminding herself that every step burned calories. Classes seemed to take forever, and she sat through each one, bouncing her leg impatiently, forming a quick rhythm. When lunch finally came, she nervously headed to the cafeteria, not sure if she'd be able to resist the warm, gooey pizza they served on Wednesdays. However, as she scanned the cafeteria for Phoebe, who'd remained her loyalest friend all these years, she saw the petite asian girl sitting with Gerald, and Arnold. 

Well, hello, inspiration. 

Helga stopped at the vending machine, before she slid into the seat beside Pheobe, mentally reminding herself not to say anything offensive to Arnold. 'Stay in control!' she reminded herself fiercely. "Hey", she said calmly, opening her can of diet coke with a metallic pop. Arnold smiled at her briefly and Gerald raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement. Pheobe also smiled, and blinked curiously. 

"Hey, Helga. Diet? I thought you required the sugars in real coca cola to get you through your day." 

Helga shrugged. "It, uh makes my teeth hurt" she explained, giving a bland smile. "So, anyways how are you guys doing?" 

- 

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real  
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees  
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man  
I try as hard as I can

- 

Lunch went well, Helga reflected later, sitting in her bedroom. She'd made Arnold laugh, several times. She'd felt good, like she was sharing a side of herself he wasn't familiar with. There was an awkward moment when a thin, beautiful redhead in tight black pants and a corset walked by, and Arnold swiveled around to watch her walk by, but that was okay. 'When I look like that, he'll only want to watch me', she reminded herself for the fifthieth time since it happened. For now, she'd just have to everything she could to speed that up. Putting her hair into a ponytail, she grabbed and apple, told Miriam she was going to Pheobe's for dinner, and headed downtown to find out about that gym. 

By the time she was off her street, Helga barely had a core to throw away. She tossed the scarce remaints of the apple into a garbage by the bus stop, and boarded the next bus to pass by. 

"Hi," Helga introduced herself with a soft smile. "I was wondering about your yearly memberships." 

The girl gave a winning grin in return. "Well, we start at two hundred dollars, which gives you access to our weight lifting machines, cardio equipment, weakly aerobics classes, full access to the pool, and a personal trainer." 

Two hundred dollars...It was worth it. Helga barely hesitated before signing the required sheets, and handing the smiling girl her bank card. 

When she got back, she smiled to Big Bob and Miriam, telling them she was stuffed and tired, and heading straight to her bedroom. There she lay on the ground, doing stomach crunches until her sides screamed in agony. Slowly, she lifted herself off the carpeted floor and changed into her pajamas, brushing her teeth and falling into bed. 

This time sleep came easy. Helga barely hit the pillow when she drifted into another dream-filled sleep. 

- 

Am I not pretty enough?  
Is my heart to broken?  
Do I cry too much?  
Am I too outspoken?  
Don't I make you laugh?  
Should I try it harder?  
Why do you see right through me?

- 

Author's Notes: Sorry this is so short. I'll have the second chapter up VERY soon, in just a day or so, so check back soon! In case anybody was wondering, I debated not posting Helga's weight at all, as to not offend anyone, but I decided to, to emphasize the fact that she's actually not overweight at all. Lyrics are from 'Not Pretty Enough' by Kasey Chamber. I think they fit the mood of this chapter pretty well. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold doesn't belong to me, please don't sue me, Mr. Bartlett ;_;! 

** Self Improvement Chapter 2 **

- 

When you were here before, I couldn't look you in the eye  
You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry  
You float like a feather, in a beautiful world  
I wish I was special, you're so fucking special

- 

Numbers kept Helga's sanity intact. She had eaten 347 calories yesterday, and ran for 1 hour and 45 minutes on the treadmill at 6.21 miles an hour. She had burned 1023 calories, running until she feared her legs would callapse beneath her. This morning she had weighed 121 lbs, after 14 days of this dizzying obsession. Her hair had been wet from her shower, so she subtracted 1 pound. 120 lbs. 10 more to go, until she reached the goal she'd picked that first night. But would it be enough? Staring intently at herself in the mirror, she noticed very little change. Her stomach was slightly flatter, and her thighs didn't rub together as much, but she certainly didn't look like somebody 10 lbs away from perfection. 'We'll see when I get there,' she told herself 'I can always lose more if I don't like how 110 looks'. 

Class started at 8:30 am. Helga slid into her cold plastic seat at 8:26, and started tapping her fingers anxiously on the desktop. For three minutes, everything seemed to move in slow motion, the seconds on the clock almost remaining stationary. The only thing at normal speed was the tapping of Helga's fingers, and the sound of her breathing, deep and steady. At 8:29, the door swung open and Arnold walked in, breaking the spell, and putting everything back into full speed and colour. Her heart quickened, as he slid into a seat across the room, glanced at her and smiled. Before she could execute any action more intelligent than staring blankly, when their teacher entered, and their Writer's Workshop class began. 

- 

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here

- 

Helga sat in the cafeteria with Pheobe again, this time Arnold and Gerald talking to some other guys on the lacrosse team. Pheobe was laughing, and telling Helga about something Gerald had told her when they'd walked home last night. Helga nodded and smiled, reflecting on how her friend had grown more extroverted over the years. She no longer shied away from attention, she'd grown into a confident, happy person and it had happened so gradually Helga never noticed. She also noticed that Pheobe was slim and petite, and everything Helga wasn't. Although Pheobe, of course, didn't dress to show off her body, it was obvious to Helga that her best friend was far superior. Sighing, she excused herself, telling Pheobe she wanted to check something out of the school library. 

Instead Helga stood outside, with warm afternoon sun shining down on her. She felt betrayed by the weather, she didn't deserve this, she wanted cold, clean rain to pour down on her, and wash away every last trace of Helga Patacki. She reflected on her earlier plan to become worthy of Arnold, and laughed bitterly. Her hair looked fine, and she had two thinly arched eyebrows. But what did that matter? She would never be thin enough, never worthwhile. 

Her only comfort was that she hadn't eaten today. 

- 

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control  
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul  
I want you to notice, when I'm not around  
You're so fucking special, I wish I was special 

- 

"Hey, can I speak to Helga?" 

"Uh, speaking. Arnold? Is that you?" 

"Yeah. Um, I was just calling to...well, to see how you were doing. You've seemed a little...distracted lately, is all." 

"Heh, I'm fine, football head." Oh my God, he cared enough to call! Oh, Arnold.... 

"Uh...okay. If you say so, Helga. And one more thing..." 

"Yes?" 

"Well, tomorrow's Saturday..and I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go see a movie or something?" 

Helga nearly passed out. Her mouth was open to scream "YES!" before she thought of something. 

"Tomorrow? I'm a little busy. How about next week, Arnoldo?" 

She heard a faint sigh of happiness on the other line "Next week is great, Helga. I'll talk to you later." 

"Bye" 

Buzzing with excitement, Helga put the phone down. She had 8 days to lose as much weight as she could. 

- 

Helga bit down on a carrot stick distractedly, staring intently into a copy of Seventeen. "I bet Arnold would -love- that shirt" she muttered aloud, gazing at it adoringly. It was light pink, and made of layers of gauze, with full sleeves, a plunging neckline, and showing off three or four inches of midriff. She glanced at the name of the store in the corner, and blinked in surprise. She could pick it up downtown! She grabbed her wallet and dashed out of the house, jogging to the subway station. 

- 

It was gorgeous. The shirt, that is. The only problem was Helga's stomach, slightly jutting out where it was revealed. Helga bit back tears, and took it off, carefully hanging it up and staring hard at herself in discontent. 

She had one week. 

- 

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here

- 

She worked herself harder than she ever had in her life. Even Miriam took notice, telling her she looked 'gaunt'. Helga took it as a compliment. She spent hours at the gym, she worked until her blood felt like fire, pounding frantically through her viens. And then she worked harder, pushing herself past exhaustion into a strange kind of euphoria. 

She reached 110 lbs quickly, faster than she imagined. She didn't look perfect. 'It must have been water weight.' she reasoned with herself. 'When I get rid of this -fat- I'll look much better.' 

Pheobe complained, said Helga was getting too thin too quickly. It was wonderful to hear. When Helga admitted her weight, Pheobe informed her that was, in fact, underweight for her 5'5 medium frame. The word 'underweight' sounded beautiful to Helga, and she pushed even harder. 100 lbs was her new goal. It was a round number, perfect. 10 lbs to go. 

2 days to go. 

- 

She's running out again  
She's running out  
She runs, runs, runs runs

- 

Shaking, Helga held the bottle of Ipecac syrup in her hands. "Do not exceed reccomended dosage" the package warned her in bold letters. "Overdosage may prove fatal!". This was all Big Bob's fault. He had sat her down at dinner, made her eat an enourmous steak and potatoes. Didn't let her leave until it was all finished. She could feel the grease floating in her stomach, clogging her arteries, undoing all her hard work. She thanked God she'd bought the syrup 'just in case', wrapped her lips around the bottle and drank half of it. 

Ipecac takes 15-20 minutes to work. For the next 15 minutes, Helga sat on the bathroom floor, contemplating what she'd done. Ipecac was a syrup used to induce vomitting. It's primary use was for children when they swallow something poisonous that must be removed from their system. It was a poison itself, the syrup, that shouldn't be taken in large doses. But the more she took, the less disgusting fat would be left inside her. 

Suddenly, she felt pain rip through her stomach, and she leaned over the toilet. If she hadn't started vomitting, she would have screamed in agony. Tears fell down her face as she continued to heave, for nearly 20 minutes straight. As she finished, Helga flushed the toilet, and wrapped her arms around her knees, sobbing. She stayed there for another 15 minutes before the Ipecac kicked in for a second round. 

- 

Terrified, Helga stepped onto the scale, mesmerized by the swinging little red line. As it stopped, her breath caught in her throat. 106 lbs. Beautiful. 

Her date was tomorrow. It was worth it. 

- 

Whatever makes you happy  
Whatever you want  
You're so fucking special  
I wish I was special

- 

In her bedroom, two hours later, Helga stared at herself in the mirror. It was becoming an obsession. She realized that she didn't -have- a body, not really. She -was- a body. The thought frightened her, that this useless peice of flesh was all she consisted of. And, aside from Arnold, he owed it to herself to make it flawless. She felt so close. 

Control. 

- 

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here  
I don't belong here.

- 

Author's Notes: Hee, I'm enjoying this. Lyrics are from 'Creep' by Radiohead. Lovely song, it is. Hmm, I had a bit of concern that Helga's weight loss was going too quickly, but I did a bit of research to back it up, and remember, this story does skip a few days at a time. Reviews are greatly appreciated, even if they're very short, or even very negative. Expect Chapter Three up this weekend as well. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold belongs to Craig Bartlett, and I'm using his characters without permission. Though, y'know, phrased like that, t doesn sound kinda bad...eep! 

**

Self Improvement Chapter Three 

**

- 

I would die for you  
I would die for you  
I've been dying just to feel you by my side  
To know that you're mine

- 

'Breathe', Helga reminded herself, standing outside her house, waiting for Arnold to walk over. It was warm out, which Helga was grateful for, in her thin pink shirt, and light blue jeans, ultra-low cut. Her hair fell in loose waves around her shoulders, she was wearing mascara and lip gloss, and the moon was shining, casting irredescant light over her. Looking up, she saw Arnold's shadowy figure walking towards the house. 

She'd never felt more self-concious in her life. 

He was beautiful, all soft, pale skin sliding over bones and muscles. Golden hair framing the smoldering emerald orbs of his eyes. His lips were so softly curved, and smooth, that Helga stared at them mesmerized for what seemed like an eternity. Worn blue jeans and a black sweater looked casual, but perfect at the same time. Helga felt so disgustingly inadequate she could break down, right there. 

- 

I will cry for you  
I will cry for you  
I will wash away your pain with all my tears  
And drown your fear

- p> "God, look at the stars!" Arnold exclaimed happily as the couple walked out of the movie theate, later that evening. "Aren't they gorgeous, Helga?" 

She nodded happily, her nervousness having dissipated almost entirely during the course of the evening. Arnold had been amazing, since he greeted her at her doorstep. Sweet, and funny and intelligent and every wonderful thing a person -could- be. Just as she glanced up at him, he clutched her hand and started walking a bit faster. "C'mon," he said grinning eagerly, "I want to take you somewhere." She followed him to the Boarding House, where they climbed the fire escape up to the rooftop. "Best view of the night sky around here" he said, sounding proud. "You've never been up here before, have you Helga?" 

She blinked, considering her answer carefully. "No," she said after a moments pause. "I haven't". Someday, she promised she'd tell Arnold all about her many escapades, and how much she loved him. He was just starting to learn about her, it was much too soon. She sat down, leaning againt the glass which formed Arnold's ceiling and he sat beside her, pointing out different constellations. 

- 

"I had a really good time, Helga" Arnold said earnestly,as they stood outside her house. He'd insisted on walking her home, being a gentlemen, and she'd happily agreed. Now neither of them wanted to end the evening, and they both remained still, not wanting to break the tender bonds which had grown over the last few hours. 

"Yeah..." Helga half-murmered, staring intensely into those gorgeous green eyes, just thinking that everything had been worth it, every single second. Unsure of himself, Arnold slowly slid one arm around her waist, and pulled Helga closer, closing his eyes slightly, puckering his lips... 

And feeling her go limp in his arms. 

- 

I will pray for you  
I will pray for you  
I will sell my soul for something pure and true  
Someone like you

- 

"Helga? Helga, are you okay? Can you hear me? Oh god, Helga!?" 

She couldn't see, at first. Everything had gone dark, and all she could hear was Arnold's voice, sounding concered and upset. 

"Uh,Arnold?" she asked, surprised at how quiet her own voice sounded. She tried again. "Arnold, what happened?" 

"You fainted." He responded, still holding her with one arm as he rang the doorbell to her house. "Maybe your blood sugar's a little low. Have you eaten lately?" 

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously, moving away from his arm and standing straight. "Yes!" she snapped quicky. 

The door opened to reveal Miriam, looking as drowsy and strung-out as ever. Arnold ignored that, and explained to her what happened. 

"Fainted? Uh huh...I'll get her a glass of water. Helga, why don't you sit down?" Her mother said, sounding nonplussed, but still surprisingly maternal. 

"Arnold, is it? Thank you for bringing Helga home, but you oughta leave. It's getting late, and we'll take care of Helga." 

He wanted to stay so, so badly. But glancing at Helga, and seeing her nod quickly in his directions, he agreed, and walked out the door, shoulder's slumped. 

- 

See your face every place that I walk in  
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking  
You will believe in me  
And I will never be ignored

- 

After Arnold was gone, it didn't take long for Helga to convince Miriam she was fine. 

"Just got a bit dizzy," she laughed, "that's all." She also grabbed an apple, and ate it while talking to the older lady. "See?" She said happily, "For energy. I'll be fine." And Miriam didn't press anymore after that. Helga escaped back into her bedroom, where she pulled out her diary, and retold the events of the evening in great detail. 

Putting away the book, she did 150 stomach crunches, 100 less than usual. She figured fainting was her body's way of saying it was a little worn out. 100 leg raises on each side, and she decided to call it a night. 

Afterwards, she went to weigh herself, as usual, and to take a shower. 105.5lbs. Not much of a change, but the numbers were still sinking. The hot water of the shower felt wonderful, cascading over her body and cleansing her mind. The night had gone wonderfully, she decided, though Arnold might be more suspicious about her health from now on. She'd deal. She always did. 

- 

I will burn for you  
Feel pain for you  
I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart  
And tear it apart

- 

The next days were a blur. She didn't talk to Arnold, only saw him in class. That was her own fault, she knew, she skipped lunch to go for a walk, and took the bus to the gym right after school. She grew more and more secluded as her determination grew to reach 100 lbs. It was ironic, she decided, that she was doing this for Arnold, but saw so much less of him because of it. He'd even called, twice in the last 5 days, but Helga hadn't returned them. She didn't feel confident enough to talk to him again, not until she could impress him with how perfect she'd become. 

- 

"I wonder if he thought I was fat, while we were on our date." 

Pheobe sighed, a mixture of genuine concern for her best friend, and annoyance that weight was all Helga discussed anymore. "Helga, you aren't fat, not in the slightest." Her voice shook a little as she continued, "I'm worried about you, Helga. You're taking this too far. I..I want you to get some help." 

"Help? Pheebs, what are you talking about?" 

"I think you have an eating disorder. In fact, I'm almost sure of it, Helga." 

Helga laughed, a little too loudly. "You're -joking-, right? Pheobe, there's nothing wrong with me. Everybody diets. I'm just good at it." 

The look on her best friends face showed that she didn't buy Helga's reasoning in the slightest. 

"Hey, I'm gonna get going, Pheebs. Don't worry about me, I'm great. See ya" 

- 

I will lie for you  
Beg and steal for you  
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see  
You're just like me

- 

"Has Helga seemed a little weird to you lately, Gerald?" Arnold asked, voice filled with worry. 

"What're you talking about, man? She's always been a head case" 

He sighed. "No, I'm serious. Something's wrong. And she's lost so much weight lately." 

Sensing his friend's concern, Gerald nodded. "Yeah, she has. Why don't you talk to her?" 

"I don't know...I guess I just don't feel like she'd open up to me or anything. She'd probably just try and push me further away." 

Not knowing what to say, Gerald just nodded, and the two best friends walked down the street in silence. 

- 

Violate all the love that I'm missing  
Throw away all the pain that I'm living  
You will believe in me  
And I will never be ignored

- 

99 lbs. Even better than her goal of 100. Critically inspecting herself, Helga decided she wasn't -that- bad off. "I'm pretty thin." she said out loud, giving her a reflection a quick smile. "I just need a little toning, and to get rid of that pudge around my stomach." 

90 lbs would do it. 

- 

I will die for you  
I will kill for you  
I will steal for you  
I'd do time for you  
I will wait for you  
I'd make room for you  
I'd sail ships for you  
To be close to you  
To be part of you  
Cause I believe in you  
I believe in you  
I would die for you

- 

Author's Notes: Hmm, I'm not really liking this chapter. So reviews would be appreciated more than ever, to let me know what you think. Lyrics are from #1 Crush, by Garbage. Expect the next Chapter out soon, but maybe not for a couple of days. 


End file.
